One of the problems I hear about most frequently from betrayed partners is the isolation they feel in the midst of this issue. When you first find out about your spouse/partner’s sexual acting out behaviors, it can be very disorienting. You will likely spiral through many different emotions and thoughts. Safety with anyone you previously considered trustworthy can be called into question because of the loss of safety and trust with your spouse/partner.

There are a few key things to consider when you think about who to tell or when to tell about what is going on with you and your relationship. There is no clear “right” or “wrong” choice within this. Instead, I find it helpful to ask yourself some questions about your support system and the issue at hand. 

• Is my spouse/partner remorseful about their actions and seeking recovery?
  • If they are not, you can still talk to a trusted safe person about your experiences within this issue. A spiritual leader, therapist, close friend or family member can all be options to support you and help you figure out next steps. If your spouse/partner is seeking recovery, then who you tell is a big part of their and your journey.
  • Keep in mind, whoever you tell will likely have some big feelings and opinions of their own based on their relationship to your spouse/partner. Telling someone who has a history of grace, empathy and accountability can be very helpful in providing additional support. Sometimes, however, this can lead to a burned bridge which makes recovery and healing that much harder. In that event, it may be best to hold off on telling people who you know will hold it against your spouse/partner and will not be able to have grace and empathy. 
• Who has earned the right to hear this story?
  • I know this may feel like a very strange question. We don’t often think about difficult or shameful situations as something that there has to be an earned right to hear about. In reality, our struggles and trauma are deeply vulnerable and they should be shared very carefully with individuals who have proven a level of responsibility and care for us that demonstrates a right to this information.
  • Sometimes this is hard to figure out, so start small by giving just a bit of the story and see how the person reacts. If they react poorly and in a harmful or less than supportive manner, do not go further with sharing.

• What relationship can bear the weight of this?
  • Once you determine a person who has earned a right to hear your story, and who can view that story through a lens of empathy and kindness, next you need to assess the ability for your relationship with this person to bear the weight of this issue. Sexual acting out and betrayal trauma are very heavy burdens to carry.
  • It is important for you to find someone to help carry that load with you, but sometimes people just do not have the ability to do that. Given what is going on in their own personal lives, they may not have the mental or emotional energy to give you that you need.
  • One way to help figure this out is to be direct, ask your friend “Do you have the space mentally and emotionally to talk about something big with me?” This seems difficult to do a lot of the time, its not a normal occurrence in most relationships to ask those sorts of questions. I have found that individuals who do this in their relationships have healthier relationships due to not over extending and spreading themselves thin. 
• How “safe” is the person I want to tell?
  • When you find someone you think can bear the weight of this, and has earned a right to your story, next determine the safety in the relationship.
  • When you have told this person things in the past, did they maintain your confidence? Do they regularly tell you personal things that others have confided in them? Do they always agree with your viewpoints or can they provide a balanced perspective and have the courage to say things you may not agree with?

These questions will help you evaluate your support system. Some betrayed partners choose never to tell anyone. I know this can be a terrifying thing to say out loud, something you don’t want to admit is happening. But one thing I can promise you is that going through this alone is brutal. I know that there can be consequences of this being found out, and I can sympathize with those who are afraid that if they tell someone then their way of life could be threatened and forever altered. If you do not want anyone in your personal life to know, then find a professional to talk to about it. Whether that is a spiritual leader or a therapist, those individuals will be able to give you a safe space to share all of your anger, hurt and fears as well as process through those with you.

Remember, nothing you do is permanent. If you choose to share and then change your mind as time goes on that is okay. You do not have to continue to share with someone just because you shared with them previously. There is also no such thing as waiting too long to share, if you chose the path of silence initially you can always change that and find support and do some sharing.